We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
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