So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
