The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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