i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
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There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
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You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
FUCK WHALES
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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