we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
