I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Randomize
