I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
