Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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