I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
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