I didn't shave. On purpose
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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