i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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