I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Randomize
