I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Randomize
