I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
