I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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