1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Randomize
