My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
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