In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
