There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
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Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
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Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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