I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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