Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
