Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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