what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
