I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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