I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
