i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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