Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
