I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize