I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Randomize
