her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
