just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
i would one night stand the shit outta him
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Randomize
