The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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