Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
apparently the secret to your success is patron
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
