I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
