I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I think my fart just growled at me.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
Randomize
