I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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