maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
