I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
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