Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
