FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Randomize
