At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize