I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
