1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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