you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
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Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
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The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
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