evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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