we're chasing vodka with high fives
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
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She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
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Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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