I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
The uberlube is also flammable
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Randomize
