Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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