Plan B is the new Plan A
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
