I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
