we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
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