OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
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