anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
He? As in you personified your dick?
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Randomize
