I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
