Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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